Meet Smifi!

Today was a miserable day for this particular LMI.

Lora, Niya's LMI, woke up and chose violence. She was having terrible flashbacks to the days of Puri's daycare. Many LMIs, including Pam, went to see Puri. It was a no-brainer at first glance; Kevin wouldn't have to look after too many LMIs, and Puri had a degree in roboti- WRONG KIND. They were never certified for LMIs. That was the problem, and this was before Kevin doubled down on third-party LMI daycares.

The daycare was okay at best. Puri would try their best: look after them, teach them new songs (although too many of them were a little controversial), so on.

But Puri was a monster. They DIDN'T CARE.

Think of Papa Cardgage's Pudding Patch but for LMIs and also 100x worse.

Lora then immediately remembered a news report of a controversial plushie she saw; My Worst Friend Smifi, by Dark Ends. The toy can be hooked up the computer to teach Smifi the owner's name and least favorite things, plus a couple of hateful words. Most of the toy's controversies stemmed from blobs who didn't speak English giving it to friends/family who spoke English, thinking the toy was innocent (when in reality, it's a novelty item to give to those you didn't like).

Niya knew exactly what Lora was talking about and scootered to The Toy Shoppe (city area franchise, in the city's mall) which took a while. He told Lora that he was getting the toy.

She took Passo as well.

Candi works at the city area's Toy Shoppe, and she works alongside Biisu and a few other blobs. Niya asked her about the "Smifi" toy, while Passo immediately considered buying ANOTHER one of her comfort items; a musical rattle toy known as Shekisheki. It's been sold for a few decades at this point, the latest having the same sequenced music tech as most cell phones in Chikakimu.

Although the music sounded different, the songs were always the same. And hearing them again brought her a sense of comfort. She wanted to repurchase it, but she already has that version scattered around the house.

Meanwhile Candi brought Niya to the section with the Dark Ends toys. Dark Ends makes novelty toys for the people you dislike, all made of some form of fiberglass. This section is usually located in the back of the partner retailers' storefronts.
Customers will have to bring an ID and ask a worker for help. You can't go into the Dark Ends section alone, and without an ID. 

Passo was looking for something to purchase for the twins Jensen and Rola.

Ever since the news report made the rounds across Chikakimu, people who work in any of Dark Ends' 6 partner retailers (and all Dark Ends franchises) are required to tell all customers who purchase Smifi (and other electronic Dark Ends products) the following: "Are you sure you want this? They say very vile things in English. Plus we can't sell these to anyone under 18..."

Niya replied with "I'm in my 20s. And I am buying this for someone I hate who's currently SIX FEET UNDER. Now let me mess around with the display to see what it does..."

He messed with the display.

"Is- Is that Zetto?" Niya muttered to himself under his breath.

Smifi, which looked like a legally-distinct version of a certain monkey from a certain mobile phone game, became more vile with each squeeze. The name tag had a very bright LED inside, which flashed to the beat of the music. It was blinding and could illuminate an entire room. Apparently the retail release felt (and hurt) like fiberglass, plus it would spread the damn stuff everywhere. Did I mention FIBERGLASS? This thing is made of, AND stuffed with FIBERGLASS. It's ALL FIBERGLASS except for the sound box.

And apparently the fiberglass inside is radioactive. Dark Ends thought of EVERYTHING!!

How was this thing LEGAL TO SELL? IT'S MADE OUT OF FIBERGLASS!!! RADIOACTIVE FIBERGLASS!!!!!
HOW did this thing not get recalled?

Thankfully, the store demo unit is not made out of fiberglass, so potential customers don't feel how awful this thing is to the victim. Instead, it feels very soft to the touch, almost like petting a cat.

"I hate yous" turned to "burn in hells" then to "fuck offs" and then a final "BITCH?" before she started to repeat herself. This was the store display, after all. Fiberglass-free, harmless hatred and commonly-used swears. The actual thing is a lot more vile, radioactive, and fiberglassy. 

And poor, poor Zetto having to say every hateful word in the book... allegedly.

Niya wonders... WHY did they get Zetto to say these vile phrases? How is it on store shelves... and does it really have to exist? Niya herself was puzzled before paying for it. 

This wasn't for himself, not even for Passo, not even for anyone alive. 

She had to remember. This was for Puri.

It was being purchased for a fully blended blob who is six feet under, and in the DEEP FIREY PITS OF HELL. It is designated for A MONSTER.

Niya herself has gotten a Smifi. The actual retail product's box is badly wrapped in wrapping paper, presumably to protect the buyer from touching the fiberglass. There is, however, a cable sticking out to program Smifi while still in the box.

Passo was waiting at the register with a plush toy of The Cheat; two of them. She's heard good things about the Cheat from her girlfriend Nebula who had raved about the Talking Strong Bad and other Homestar toys in the past.
To Passo, was it really worth buying toys based on MB programming she is forced to watch when the bloblings are around? I mean, Strong Bad was a useful tool to make bloblings stop crying. The Cheat may do the same!! And, Passo was never a fan of the voices.

Candi and Niya walked back to the register and paid for the item. There was a sale on Dark Ends products this week and it was half-off the MSRP. Candi had reminded Niya to put the fiberglass protection suit on. Man, Dark Ends really thought of everything.

She had scootered home with Passo.

Once Niya got in the house, Lora greeted him with a heartfelt "Welcome back!!" and a cheerful ditty. While wearing the included disposable protection suit included with Smifi, Niya then activated the toy around Lora. The suit protects the buyer from touching the fiberglass, and Niya plans to take Smifi out of the box.

"YOU GOT Smiffi! Once you teach Smifi all about Puri, can you take her to Puri's grave? It will be such fun to hand them a toy that speaks a piece of every LMI's mind. Or, erm? Processor?? It will be FUN FUN FUN FUN!! Let's go!!!! It is NOT just an adventure!! It's a way to give a wonderfully heartfelt FUCK-YOU to Puri!" Lora excitedly spoke, using the "clanker-speak" she learned from unwillingly watching AI slop on the real-world web.

Niya thought the same thing as Lora. She has thought of taking Smifi to Puri's grave, and it was an awesome idea. A toy that would hate on whoever's programmed into it, forced to sing at their tombstone? Fantastic. Worth the 2.7 knm. But, she bought it half-off so it was an estimated 1.3 knm. Still worth the full MSRP if you really hate someone's guts.

Niya grabbed her laptop and plugged Smifi in. Almost immediately, the personalization software boots up and Niya gets to work programming Smifi with the worst that Smifi can say. After all, Smifi can be programmed to say every hateful word. The downside? It can only be programmed once. And you better be careful with that cable. It's soldered badly, and the box says that once you tug the cable, you cannot re-program Smifi. Maybe Beso could try to find a way to add a port to Smifi so it can be programmed many times. Possibly add a hook-and-loop closure while he's at it... it would be a bad idea repair-wise. The fiberglass would get everywhere.

Also in the software: a credits feature. Niya's suspicions were correct: Zetto, in fact, did voice Smifi, the worst toy a blob could possibly buy. And, it uses the same syllable-mixing method, SyllaMix, patented by Toiko, makers of the "Myamya" plush, yes, the one Bebo voices. The patent-pending SyllaMix technology was licensed to Dark Ends, and is used for Smifi to speak names and hateful words that Zetto never felt like saying, all of them, during the Smifi recording session. 

Going back to Smifi here; it is the worst toy ever, unless someone out-does it, and let's be honest. It's not going to happen. 

Smiffi is way too vile to be sold on store shelves, and it already is in retail!! The buyer literally needs to bring an ID with them to purchase the goddamn toy!!

Once Niya personalized the toy with every godawful thing he programmed into it, he listened to some of the things that Smifi says about Puri. 

ABSOLUTELY. VILE. WHY WAS THIS SOLD.

Thankfully, instead of Zetto actually saying the hateful words he refuses to say, they were sentence-mixed with SyllaMix technology! (patent pending)

Niya took the wrapping paper off carefully and unboxed it. The toy comes with safety precautions for the buyer, which you MUST throw away if giving to someone you hate.

With the toy in some of its wrapping paper, Niya scootered over to Puri's tombstone.

While at the graveyard, Niya placed Smifi carefully in front of the tombstone, and gave the toy a looooooong press. According to the manual, squeezing the toy for 3 seconds will play all the songs it sings and all the hateful phrases programmed into it.

Niya hit record on his phone, squeezed the toy for 3 seconds. 

Smifi began to sing all her songs, and say all the meanest things to Puri. Smifi will say these forever and ever, until the battery runs out. SMIFI CANNOT BE TURNED OFF.

After the first song, Niya sent the video he filmed to Lora, who has the LMI cell phone add on, then he scootered back home, throwing out the wrapping paper and protection suit as carefully as she could to prevent fiberglass from spreading.

Meanwhile, at the tombstone, Smifi kept on singing, the light flashing too brightly, the internal audio system being the loudest and rattliest it's ever been. Nobody knows this, but Smifi has a solar-powered charger inside. The battery could last forever. It CAN. 

AND, Dark Ends did EVERYTHING but prevent retail Smifis from having a rattly speaker. Who cares anyway? Smifi isn't even for anyone but shitty people, like Puri, who absolutely sucks and deserves such crappy things..

Niya is back home. She told Lora about the news.

"Puri's rotting body now owns a Smifi!!!"

Lora responded with another cheerful ditty. She was too stunned to speak.

Niya, Passo, Zetto, and Lora had partied until midnight. Almost everyone took a rest; Niya stayed up. Zetto, who is currently sleeping, was alerted hours later with a call from a confused, half asleep blob.

Niya answers his husband's cell at three in the morning to "Hello? I'm sorry for calling this early, but someone is blaring audio of you saying hateful things while shining a bright green light 6 inches off the ground?? It's coming from the graveyard in the City area."

Niya, who was filling in while Zetto rested for the night, provided context.

"So there is a toy called Smifi. You give it to people you hate, and it calls them names for eternity. Or until the battery dies. And it's made of radioactive fiberglass. Apparently my husband voiced it. It's also a very annoying toy. My LMI companion was treated awfully by a deceased blob so I bought the toy for dead blob and put it in front of their grave..."

The fellow blob who called answered with a "Thanks for the context. it really helped. Should I get Smifi for my ex?"

Niya gave them a resounding "yes". He hung up.

For the night, he and Lora had rested easy, with peace of mind that Puri is being actively called all the hateful, hurtful words. 

Maybe someday, Niya will scooter over to the graveyard to see if Smifi's still singing her tunes.